What Gaslighting Is (and Isn’t)

Social media has helped to greatly expand our vocabulary around mental health in recent years. Now more than ever clinical terms such as “gaslighting” have become common language. I am a firm believer that knowledge is power and, as a trauma psychologist, I am grateful that as a culture we are having more conversations around these topics! 

In this article, I would like to begin a deeper discussion around the term “gaslighting” so that we can arm ourselves with accurate knowledge. Using these terms in their appropriate context is not only empowering and validating for survivors but it also helps us to identify, intervene, and prevent further harm in the future. 

So what is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse which causes someone to question their reality. I would like to highlight here that gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse, meaning it is a tactic used to gain power or control over another. Gaslighting can be done consciously or unconsciously, intentionally or unintentionally, and can be perpetuated by an individual or a group. The most important thing to focus on here is the power and control dynamic- a person who is gaslighting is leveraging power and control in a way that harms the recipient. 

The most common example of gaslighting on an individual level where it is conscious and intentional is in domestic violence relationships. Abusers will often engage in gaslighting behaviors by minimizing or denying the survivor’s experience, ultimately making them question if they are being abused or if it is “just in their head.” The goal here is for the abuser to maintain power and control over their victim by breaking down their confidence enough that the abuser can give the victim a narrative defined by them that benefits them. The most clear-cut example of gaslighting on this level is a perpetrator flat out denying that harm occurred. “That didn’t happen, you’re remembering wrong” or “You just have a bad memory, it didn’t happen that way” are examples of this type of gaslighting. It can also look more subtle though- “You’re overreacting,” or “It wasn’t that bad.”

We also have numerous examples of gaslighting on a society-level scale that we witness on a regular basis. Often gaslighting on this societal level is perpetuated by privileged groups against marginalized groups, such as men gaslighting women or White folks gaslighting BIPOC folks. Because white supremacist patriarchy is so normalized in our culture, we often overlook the insidious effects that gaslighting on a large scale can have on our day-to-day lives. 

During the #MeToo Movement we witnessed countless reactions from men that sounded like, “You were asking for it,” “You enjoyed it,” or “You’re being dramatic.” In these examples, gaslighting minimizes the impact of sexual assault, suggests that the victim was a willing participant in the abuse, and helps the perpetrator to maintain power and control because the victim is less likely to push back when they lack self-confidence and are feeling unsure of themselves. 

Similarly, we witnessed countless reactions from White folks during the Black Lives Matter Movement that sounded like, “Racism is in the past, it doesn’t exist anymore,” “Stop playing the race card,” or “That wasn’t racism, you just misunderstood.” In this context, gaslighting serves the function of denying racism as a current problem, shifts the focus of the conversation to giving the aggressor the benefit of the doubt rather than acknowledging the very real harm that was caused to the victim, and maintains the power and influence of white supremacy in our culture. 

Now that we have established an idea of what gaslighting is, let’s talk about what it is not. 

Gaslighting is not the same as having a disagreement or difference of opinion. Gaslighting is an abuse tactic that undermines psychological and emotional safety, instances of disagreement on mundane matters are not gaslighting.

For example, two roommates are arguing about household chores and one says to the other, “I always do the dishes and you never do the dishes!” This is an over exaggeration (notice the use of the words “always” and “never”), but it is not gaslighting per se. The individual is trying to convey to their roommate that they wish they would do more of the chores, and to be seen in their frustration they decided to use strong language to convey their emotion. The roommate might say in response, “I did the dishes yesterday and you didn’t even notice!” Notice how these are two individuals doing their best to express their frustration to one another. Could it probably be communicated in a better way? Sure. There is not a power dynamic in this example, though. Both roommates are peers who are disagreeing on the frequency with which chores happen. For this to be gaslighting there has to be a power, control, and/or abuse dynamic happening. 

Similarly, I have heard examples of people claiming to be gaslighted when others are appropriately trying to address a concern they have with them. For example, Jane approaches her friend and says, “Can we talk about what happened yesterday? You said something that made me upset and I don’t think it’s right.” And the friend responds, “I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true, stop gaslighting me!” The friend is responding defensively by shutting down and claiming that Jane is gaslighting them. Jane is simply trying to provide feedback to her friend about how their actions have impacted her, and she is not gaslighting them. The friend is probably very uncomfortable having the conversation with Jane because they are receiving personal feedback about their actions, and in their discomfort they are claiming to be victimized. However, there is no power or control dynamic, threat to safety, or denying/minimizing of the friend’s experience. Discomfort is not the same as gaslighting. 

Before you label something as “gaslighting” ask yourself if the ingredients for the recipe are there:

- Is there a power and/or control dynamic happening in this interaction?

- Are my lived experiences being denied, dismissed, or minimized?

- Is this person trying to change my perception of myself or are they trying to provide relevant feedback about

how my actions have impacted them?

- How are privilege and marginalization showing up in this interaction? 

TLDR (Too Long, Didn’t Read) Version;

What gaslighting is;

- Psychological abuse tactic used to maintain power and control over another

- Denying your emotional and psychological experience of a situation

- Minimizing or dismissing your emotional and psychological experience of a situation

- Using power and control dynamics subtly or explicitly to force you to change in some way

- Unchecked and unconscious biases, privilege, and prejudice enacted in day-to-day life

What gaslighting is not*;

- Disagreement 

- Difference of opinion 

- An argument between peers when there are no power or control dynamics involved

- Discomfort 

* These matters could become gaslighting when they are coupled with a power and control dynamic and/or abuse, but are not by themselves gaslighting.