Why Do I Feel So Guilty All the Time? Children of Immigrants Edition

Sometimes it feels like being a child of immigrants goes hand in hand with feeling guilty all the time. Why? Below are some of the common reasons why guilt comes up a lot and how to cope. 

False Responsibility: You might feel responsibility for things, events, emotions that are not your responsibility. This might include your parents’ feelings, finances, raising your siblings, meeting the needs of various family members. Feeling a false sense of responsibility comes from wanting to help or save your parents or from being blamed by your parents for things that weren't your responsibility. These dynamics often begin in childhood. When this happens many, many times, children grow up to feel everything is both their fault and their responsibility. 

Codependency: Codependency has many layers but it basically means the relationship is imbalanced where one person’s worth and self-esteem comes from how much they feel they can sacrifice themselves for another. Rescuing and over-helping are aspects of codependency. 

Many immigrant cultures healthy advocate and promote codependency by making sacrifice, burnout, and selflessness the ultimate goals. If you were raised in an environment where codependency was encouraged, you may be more prone to others emotionally blackmailing you or guilting you into doing things. You may lead towards pleasing others or helping others, even to your own detriment. 

Emotional Blackmail: Constantly feeling guilty often goes hand in hand with emotional blackmail. Phrases like, “You don’t care about me, that’s why you don’t call me.” or “If you loved me, you’d visit and come home more often.” can be common for children of immigrants. So many parents try to control their children by using emotional blackmail to induce fear and guilt. Emotional blackmail creates anxiety in the other person. Children that grow up being emotionally blackmailed by their parents become people-pleasing adults who feel bad about everything. These children often also grow up to feel not good enough or worthy. 

Guilt, in itself, is not a bad emotion and sometimes can be healthy. It helps us develop a strong relationship with those around us and foster good behaviors. At an extreme level, guilt can be toxic. It can prevent you from being your authentic self. Next time you feel guilt, pause and ask yourself if it’s the healthy guilt or toxic guilt. Ask yourself if how you’re speaking to yourself reminds you of how someone used to speak to you when you were a child. Guilt is something we learn, which means you can learn other ways to navigate around the guilt.