The True Cost of That Holiday Trip to Your Toxic Family
Holidays are tough when you have a stressful or toxic family system. I’m talking about those families that cause a significant amount of stress, distress, are abusive, manipulative, overwhelmingly negative, violent/aggressive, dysfunctional, or neglectful. If you are being very honest with yourself, does that sound like your family?
Spending time in any toxic environment leaves a negative impact both on your mental health and physical well-being- so what is the true impact of attending that holiday family function with your toxic family?
In order to answer this question, I’ve broken down 5 categories of well-being that can be impacted. In each category, I invite you to consider how your specific family context will impact you in each area of well-being. Every family is different, and you know yours best.
Before you begin, take a deep breath. In through your nose...out through your mouth. It is not easy to think about the effect that your toxic family has on you, but doing so will help you to prioritize your well-being going forward. It is a step towards empowering yourself with the knowledge you need to accurately assess whether a trip to your family is worth it or not.
1. Physical Well-being
The American Psychological Association (APA) has an incredibly helpful guide on the physical toll that stress takes on the body that can be found here: https://www.apa.org/topics/stress/body. Here is a cheat sheet for how stress effects the various systems of the body;
Musculoskeletal System- chronic muscle tension; acute muscle tension; migraine headaches due to tension in shoulders, neck, and head; pain in the back or extremities; chronic pain
Respiratory System- shortness of breath; rapid breathing; constriction in the nose and lungs; and exacerbation of other conditions such as asthma, COPD, et.
Cardiovascular System- elevated blood pressure; increased heart rate; stronger contractions of the heart muscle; heart flooded with stress hormones (i.e. adrenaline, noradrenaline, and cortisol); chronic exposure to high levels of stress can lead to conditions such as hypertension, heart attack, stroke, or inflammation of the circulatory system
Endocrine System- stress hormones are released into the body; chronic stress can lead to chronic fatigue or metabolic disorders such as diabetes, depression, and immune disorders
Gastrointestinal System- pain; bloating; other types of gut discomfort; overeating or undereating; heartburn; acid reflux; difficulty with swallowing; gassiness; nausea; vomiting (severe side effect); diarrhea; constipation; slowed digestion; muscle spasms in the bowel; decreased protection against gut bacteria; exacerbated chronic bowel disorders such as IBS
Nervous System- fight, flight, freeze, submit response is activated; temporary boost of energy followed by fatigue
Reproductive System- decline in sex drive; absent or irregular menstrual cycles; painful periods; exacerbated fertility issues; complications in pregnancy or postpartum; (if pregnant) negative effects on the fetal development; exacerbated premenstrual symptoms; exacerbated menopause symptoms; increased risk for reproductive disease such as polycystic ovarian syndrome; erectile dysfunction; impotence; negative impact on sperm production, maturation, and mobility; vulnerability to infection
2. Psychological, Emotional, and Mental Health
There are various effects that toxic family systems have on your psychological well-being. First and foremost, your ability to problem solve and think critically decreases. This happens when stress causes us to go into a fight, flight, freeze, submit response which effectively takes the prefrontal cortex part of our brain “offline.” The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain that is involved in your ability to engage in complex thinking, reasoning, problem solving, etc. The stress caused from toxic family systems can temporarily hinder this part of your cognition.
Most folks are probably familiar with the emotional distress that can result from visiting toxic family members, and there are a variety of emotions that can emerge. The emotional impact that I observe most in my practice includes lowered self-esteem and confidence, depressed mood, feeling lonely or isolated from others, painful or distressing memories and emotions, hopelessness, disappointment, shame, anger, and sadness. For some folks visiting toxic family members, you might notice a false sense of hope arise. Feeling hopeful is not a bad thing, however, when that hope is not aligned with the reality of your family it can cause a painful cycle of disappointment that repeats again and again over time.
Finally, you might notice the quality of your interactions with others gets more conflictual, painful, distant, or distressing after your family visit. That is because our caregivers are the ones who have influenced your attachment style. Attachment is a deep and enduring emotional bond between you and your caregivers that is formed in childhood and influences all of our relationships moving forward in life. If you have a toxic family system, you likely experienced ruptures in your attachment with them, which decreases the quality of your relationship with them, and likely influences all of your relationships you have developed in adulthood. Visiting your toxic family system is likely to resurface these old attachment wounds, which can negatively influence your current relationships by making it feel like the old wounds are “right on the surface.”
3. Social Well-being
Spending time with a toxic family might take you away from an otherwise positive time that could be spent with friends or chosen family. If you are feeling low because of your visit, you might be less likely to reach out to your friends for support. Or, alternatively, if you are motivated to hang out with friends you might be distracted or not present with them if you are overanalyzing or ruminating about your stressful family.
4. Spiritual Well-being
Spiritual well-being is a topic we don’t often talk about because it can vary widely depending on your beliefs and ideology. Generally speaking, you might begin to ponder big, existential questions about the world or your life after that visit to your toxic family. Personal questions about fairness, justice, “What did I do to deserve this?”, or “Why me?” might come up. If you have different values, ideologies, or perspectives from your family members then you might experience a lot of tension or conflict when engaging with them around important topics. Finally, depending on your belief system, that visit with your family might contribute to spiritual illness in many forms.
5. Professional Well-being
Other than the time we take off from work for the holidays, we don’t often consider the other negative impacts that being around toxic family members can have on our careers or jobs. When you are stressed, your productivity is likely to decrease. When you experience all of the negative effects mentioned above, you will likely have a period of time after visiting your family that you will need to recover or bounce back to your regular functioning. You might notice that you are “spacey” or distracted from your work because you are thinking about all of the distress that emerged with family. In situations where you are chronically exposed to stress, you are at higher risk of reduced immune system function, becoming sick, and needing to take more time off from work in order to heal.
Phew…that was a lot! So now that we have explored different ways that spending the holidays with toxic family systems can impact you, what do we do now?
To attend or not to attend the family function? That is the question. There is no right or wrong choice to make here. Instead, I encourage you to focus on your options and which one feels like the best choice that you can make for yourself at this point in time. Sometimes it is not possible to skip family functions, and sometimes it is easy to. Sometimes we have middle-of-the-road options that allow you to have space or breaks from the stressful individuals that might show up to the function.
A few recommendations to consider:
Have compassion for yourself, regardless of what choices you make this time of year.
Allow yourself some time for recovery after your visit. This might mean padding your holiday time with a couple of extra days to just relax and recalibrate (if you have the ability to take that extra time off of work). If you are noticing a decline in your physical health due to stress, take time to recover, drink plenty of water, and follow-up with your doctor if needed.
Make a mental note about how much time it took you to “bounce back” from visiting family. This will give you a realistic idea of the costs and benefits of attending those family functions in the future. If it takes you 2 weeks to feel like yourself again, that is important information to consider when you are thinking about attending the next family function.
Set firm and appropriate boundaries with your family members. Depending on your family system, however, this might be easier said than done. Do your best and be kind to yourself.
Take breaks from your family- go for a walk, volunteer to run some errands outside of the house, take your time “using the bathroom,” find a private room for some solo time, etc.
If there are pets around, play with them! Research has shown that spending time with animals can decrease stress levels and help people feel connected/less alone.
Stay connected with your trusted loved ones for support, even if it is difficult. Is there a friend that you can text or call to help you feel validated and/or supported?
Buffer your time with family with enjoyable activities that can help you to decrease stress. This might be a creative project, journaling, painting, exercising, spending time in nature, etc. Whatever makes you happy, spend more time doing it! If time is in short supply, make a standing appointment with yourself to engage in pleasurable activities and honor that appointment the same way you would an important medical visit.
When in doubt, focus on the basics. Prioritize sleep, eat regular meals, drink plenty of water, and take care of your body.
Seek support from a psychotherapist to process your experience and troubleshoot how you might want to approach family visits in the future.
